Randy Orton's WWE Return

Money in the Bank PPV - JULY 15th

The PPV begins with RAW's MITB Match. Dolph looks like he'll win ... until Vickie butts in. Ziggler gets distracted and loses! Vickie resolves tension by getting Ziggler a shot in the Smackdown MITB match!

Ziggler steals the show again during the Smackdown MITB match ... until Vickie interrupts AGAIN! Ziggler yells at Vickie and tells her that she better go backstage! During this action, someone ELSE wins the Smackdown MITB match!

RAW - JULY 16th

Vickie and Dolph have a blowout backstage. Swagger interjects and says they should patch things up. Ziggler snaps on Swagger and kicks his ass backstage, which leads to a match. 

We see a limo pulling up in the parking lot during this match. 

Vickie leaps up on the apron. But who does she help? Ziggler or Swagger? Swagger takes advantage and beats Ziggler! Vickie is still torn. She tries to get Ziggler back, but he pushes her away. We see the limo driver making his way to the ring. He hands Ziggler a small note. 

Much later we see the limo door open. Ziggler walks out. He's got a smile on his face. Vickie storms up to Ziggler and asks what the hell is going on. Ziggler says Vickie will find out next week. 

RAW - JULY 23rd

The show opens with a video of a private jet pulling up next to a Maybach limo. The word is that we're looking at footage filmed earlier in the day of Alberto del Rio arriving to RAW. 

Later, the Maybach limo arrives at the arena. 

During the main event, Vickie comes down to the ring. She calls out Ziggler. Ziggler says ever since he joined forces with Vickie he was promised the moon, but where has that gotten him? He's earned a spot on the roster as a steady mid-carder and he's SO MUCH BETTER than that! A few weeks back at the PPV, he had not one, but TWO chances to win the MITB match ... and he would've, if it wasn't for Vickie! 

Vickie beings to tremble. She begs him not to do anything rash. But Ziggler doesn't want to hear her crap. 

"Vickie. You're fired!"

Vickie screams. Finally, she calms down and says, "So what does this mean? You're going solo?"

"Not quite."

Ziggler points to the screen and ...

Ric Flair extends his hand to Vickie. Vickie loses her mind and storms out of the ring screaming. Flair and Ziggler embrace and Flair grabs the microphone. 

"Boy is it good to be back! And as much as I love you guys ... I don't wanna waste one damn SECOND! Dolph ZIGGLER. Vickie Guerrero has been nothing but a pain in your ASS. She's done nothing for your career. That changes. That changes TONIGHT! When I look at you, I see myself. You're cool. You're good looking. You're the best wrestler around today! You've got "IT!" Not a lot of people have "IT!" But you? Dolph. You got it, baby! YOU! GOT! IT! WOOOO! You are the future of this business, kid. To quote my old friend Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: You stick with me, you go straight to the top! You don't -- you've NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN!"

RAW - JULY 30th 

Ric Flair has managed to get Ziggler a title shot against CM Punk for the main event. Ziggler is blown away by how quickly Flair gets to work. Flair gives Ziggler pep talks all night about how his life is about to change. Tomorrow, you wake up a Champion! Tomorrow, you wake up the most in demand person in the WORLD. Interviews, radio shows, late night TV. Girls, oh baby. GIRLS.  

Just before the bell rings for Punk vs. Ziggler, footage pops up on the Titan Tron of some sort of melee backstage. John Laurinaitis has been put through a table. Word of even more backstage destruction leads our cameraman elsewhere. Otunga has been put through a table!

Suddenly ...

IT'S RANDY ORTON! He storms to the ring and then just stops dead in his tracks. Punk and Ziggler are on high alert. Orton paces around the ring and then BAM! RKO on Justin Roberts! Charles Robinson goes to leave the ring but Orton catches him! BAM! RKO!

Ziggler and Punk continue to watch, intrigued. Orton paces around the ring, inching closer to Punk. Punk watches intently -- ready to throw down. But Orton doesn't take his eyes off Ziggler. Suddenly, Orton delivers a low blow to Punk!

Ziggler jumps on Orton, but Orton struggles free and RKOs Ziggler. Flair dishes out a few shots to Orton before he falls victim to the RKO. RAW goes off the air with Orton standing in the center of the ring. On the mat, Roberts, Robinson, Punk, Ziggler, and Ric Flair. Orton runs his hands over his head and tries to control his breathing. 

RAW, AUGUST 6th

John Laurinaitis opens RAW asking for explanations for the wreckage Orton caused on RAW the previous week.

Orton comes to the ring. He tells Laurinaitis he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. The drug he takes -- to keep his temper under control -- is not approved by the FDA or by the WWE doctors. So when he was randomly tested, he failed. And his prescription wasn't good enough. In the eyes of the WWE Officials ... in the eyes of Laurinaitis ... he deserved a suspension. 

Well his suspension is up. And if Orton doesn't want to get suspended again, he has to stop taking his meds. And if he can't take his meds, there is nothing to control his temper. When he snaps, he turns from man to machine. "THERE IS NO STOPPING ME."

CM Punk makes his way to the ring. He says Orton is about to go full blown insane. But there are bigger things to discuss, like the fact that Orton kicked Punk in the BALLS last week.

Orton tells Punk to "shut the **** up" -- he's beeped. Laurinaitis freaks! This is a family show! Orton says he wants a shot at the title. His request his granted in an effort to quiet him down.

Flair and Ziggler enter. Before they can talk, Orton says he was in Ziggler's place once. He was the future. But when Flair says Ziggler is the new future, he's lying. Flair is a pathetic old man. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. He doesn't care about Ziggler. He cares about MONEY. And if he can make money by associating with Ziggler, he's gonna do it. Back 10 years ago, when Evolution was rolling strong, Flair's opinions were relevant. They ain't relevant anymore! Ziggler isn't the future. Ziggler is a LOSER. And tonight, CM Punk will ALSO be a loser. 

In the main event on RAW, Randy Orton WINS THE WWE TITLE! 

THE WEEKS THAT FOLLOW 

Punk and Ziggler get a shot at Orton's title in a triple threat match at Summer Slam. Orton isn't methodical anymore. His style in the ring has changed. He's fast. He works with deadly precision. He moves and attacks and beats people down with the quickness. No one can stop Orton. He retains his WWE Title.  

Punk drops out of this match and starts feuding with someone else.

Meanwhile, Orton and Ziggler move forward, feuding for the WWE Title. 

The storyline: Flair said Orton was the future 10 years ago. And Flair was right. But you can only be right so many times. Now Flair is back -- for the MONEY, not for Ziggler -- and he's preaching the same old crap. Well, this time he's wrong. And for several weeks, Orton proves it. He bests Ziggler in every match they have.

Flair tells Ziggler it doesn't matter why he's back (the money). What matters is a conversation he had with Vince McMahon before he signed the contract. Vince asked who Flair thought was the future of the business. Flair said "DOLPH ZIGGLER." Flair only offered his services as a manager to Ziggler -- AFTER his contract was signed. The fact is, Flair already had the job before he asked if he could manage Ziggler. 

Ziggler believes Flair and they begin to campaign for one final title shot at Night of Champions. And since this is the last match Ziggler has against Orton, he's decided to ask for a match he knows he can win. AN IRON MAN MATCH!

Orton accepts the challenge.

Night of Champions PPV

In the main event, Ziggler and Orton wrestle a 60 minute Iron Man Match for the WWE Title. To shake things up, there isn't a single pin fall until the last 5 minutes, when Orton delivers an RKO!

He pins Ziggler and picks up one pin fall.

Ziggler fights back and with one minute left, he lays Orton out with a Fame-Asser (or whatever he calls it)! Ziggler pins Orton and wins!

With the match tied 1-1 and only 50 seconds to go, Ziggler leaps on Orton and locks in the sleeper hold. Orton struggles, then fades. The ref holds up his hand. It drops!

1

The ref holds up his hand. It drops!

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The ref holds up his hand.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. THE MATCH IS OVER!

Orton's hand drops.

With no clear winner, Laurinaitis says the match will now go into Sudden Death! Orton and Ziggler struggle to their feet and Orton goes for an RKO, but Ziggler pushes Orton off. Ziggler hits Orton with a Zig Zag! Orton is down!

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Orton kicks!

Orton struggles to his feet and looks like he's going to hit another RKO out of nowhere when Ziggler counters with a second Zig Zag!

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Zack Ryder and Eve: Wrestlemania 28

RAW, March 12

Zack feels blown away by Eve's kiss from the previous week. Josh Matthews interviews him and implies that Zack can't be THAT foolish to fall for the kiss. Eve is up to no good! But Ryder is sold. He's in love again. All is forgiven.

Cena confronts Ryder and says he's glad they're friends again, but feels like Ryder is being foolish. Ryder says Cena is wrong and he's planning something HUGE. It might be rushed. It might be wrong. But damn it, broski, it just feels right!

Rumors reach Eve, who smiles maliciously. She can milk this and ride his career straight to the top. 

RAW, March 19

Eve overhears some WWE Executives (who were there on business revolving around Laurinaitis and Teddy Long) talking about how Zack Ryder is a star in the making! 

Ryder tells Eve he has something big planned for WM28 but he's afraid he's moving too quickly. They need to spend some time together and get to know one another. Eve agrees. She apologizes for her earlier actions and says that's not who she really is and simply got caught up in the moment. Ryder believes her. 

Lawler tells Ryder that he should be careful—he's fallen for a woman before who wanted nothing more than to take advantage and ride coattails. Ryder lashes out and tells Lawler he's wrong and should stay out of this!

RAW, March 26

Eve and Ryder go out for dinner. They go to a fancy restaurant and spend some time getting to know one another. Ryder tells Eve people are telling him not to rush into things, but he's in love. 

At one point, Ryder excuses himself to use the bathroom and Eve rolls her eyes and says, "What a loser."

After dinner, they head back to the arena. A match has just ended and the winner is still celebrating when Zack Ryder hits the ring. He calls out Eve and tells her that he can't wait another second.

"Eve, will you marry me?"

"Yes."

Wrestlemania 28

A small wedding chapel is rolled out in the center of the Wrestlemania 28 stage. 

Zack Ryder comes to the ring in a tuxedo. The crowd boos, because they think he's making a mistake.

Ryder tells Eve how beautiful she looks. He's sweating. Eve hugs him. Brother Love plans to marry the couple, but first, Zack has a few words …

Ryder speaks about how he fell in love with Eve months ago and, as in all relationships, they might have hit a little turbulence, but the skies have cleared and the future looks bright. 

Without further ado, Brother Love begins the ceremony. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here tonight in Miami, Florida on April 1st, 2012 to witness the joining of two lives. Eve Torres, do you take Zack Ryder to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to told from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?"

Eve: "I do."

"And Zack, do you take Eve to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to told from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?"

The crowd roars with boos. A "Hoeski" chant breaks out. Eve tries to remain composed. 

Zack finally speaks: "I do."

Brother Love: "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and w--"

Ryder: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! Wait a second. Broski Love, WHAT'D you say the date is?!"

Brother Love: "April 1st."

Ryder cracks a mischievous grin -- the crowd roars. Ryder turns slowly to Eve and then says, "Eve, baby! APRIL FOOLS! We all know you can't turn a hoeski into a housewife! WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT."

Sting vs. The Undertaker: Wrestlemania 28

Sting was recently interviewed and said he would like to have a match against The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, it looks like we're going to see Triple H vs. Undertaker III.

I would much prefer to see Sting vs. Undertaker, so I took the liberty of fantasy booking the storyline, picking up where last week's episode of RAW (1/30/12) ended ...

RAW

Triple h refuses to face Undertaker at WM28, saying twice is enough. Undertaker says Triple H is afraid of going 0-3 against the Deadman. Triple H downplays it and condescendingly says he's just too busy. 

The following week, Undertaker discusses his career, streak, and deep respect for this business and the fans. 19 Wrestlemania matches. Not one loss. There's nothing left to prove.

Triple H runs to the ring and begs Undertaker to reconsider. Undertaker says he's made up his mind. Time to hang up the boots.

Undertaker tries to leave, but Trips ain't havin' it. He YANKS Undertaker back and starts to yell at him -- but the microphones aren't raised, so we can't hear. Triple H wants to say something, but for some reason, he can't. Undertaker turns to leave. Triple H pulls him back again! Undertaker hits Triple H with a farewell Chokeslam, stops o the ramp, does his trademark fist in the air raise. RAW ends.

The week after, Triple H is on the phone and in a panic. He's asking Vince McMahon for advice. Triple H is told to proceed. The ink has dried. The contract has been signed. The money has been spent. 

During the main event, there are a series of technical difficulties. At first, Cole blames it on the production crew. But they become more ominous and Lawler realizes what's happening. Undertaker changed his mind! The main event ends, but the mysterious occurrences continue. A spotlight hits the entrance ramp. And then it suddenly moves to the center of the ring. A series of spotlights appear all over the stage, ramp and ring. Electrical sounds ramp up. Lights flicker on and off. Fog appears at the ramp and the crowd goes berserk. 

It's gotta be the Undertaker!! 

And then, then arena goes totally black!

"NEXT WEEK, HE ARRIVES" appears on the Titan Tron. 

Lawler: "Arrives? But Undertaker just left!" 

Cole: "What if it's not The Undertaker? What if it's someone else?" 

RAW, HE ARRIVES!

RAW opens with a retrospective of the Undertaker, starting at Survivor Series '93 and going all the way to RAW when he chokeslammed Triple H a few weeks ago. 

Throughout the night, 10 second videos interrupt every match. They show videos of Undertaker's greatest opponents play: Snuka, Psycho Sid, Kevin Nash, Flair, Triple H, Steve Austin, The Rock, Shawn Michaels. The lights go out, the video plays, and the match resumes. 

Everyone knows Undertaker is back, but Cole is suspicious. Why would he be airing "He arrives" videos when he only just left? Lawler says that it's the mystique of the Undertaker and that Cole should shut up. 

At 10:55, as RAW comes back from a commercial, the lights go out over the arena. The GONG hits. The Gong hits a second time! And then fog pours out over the entire ramp. Lightening and pyro go off on the ramp. AND THEN ...

A SPOTLIGHT HITS THE RAFTERS. A shadowy figure is being lowered into the ring.

The announcers go silent as a spotlight reveals STING! He holds his trademark baseball bat! The crowd roars. (They'll be in a wrestling town that night).

"All I've ever wanted as a match at Wrestlemania. Over the years, I thought about who I could clash with and what an honor it'd be. The Rock. Steve Austin. Triple H. Shawn Michaels. They've all come ... and they've all gone. But one man has stayed. Well ... until last week. And ladies and gentlemen ... now you know why Triple H turned down the match against Undertaker. Now you know why Triple H didn't want the Undertaker to hang up his boots! And now you know why Vince McMahon told Triple H to proceed. BECAUSE THE STINGER WAS COMIN' for the DEADMAN! ... But ... but then the Undertaker ... quit? The fact is, I don'tneed to wrestle the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28. I can find someone else to face. But the truth of the matter is ... I've only got eyes for you, Deadman! So whattaya' say? Take those boots off the shelf! Face the Stinger at Wrestlemania. YOU KNOW YOU WANNA, DEADMAN! YOU KNOOOOW YOU WANNA! The Icon. The Deadman. The two most iconic figures in ALL of professional wrestling and yet ... we've never crossed paths. You can right this wrong, Deadman. Next week. You can give me my answer. I'll be waiting."

RAW

RAW builds to the main event: The supposed confrontation between Sting and The Undertaker. We await the arrival of The Deadman.  Even Vince shows up and tells Triple H that there is BIG money to be made off this match, and that is why Triple H must make CERTAIN that the Deadman shows. Triple H says Undertaker doesn't care about the money. Undertaker cares about the Streak. He cares about the challenge. The reason Undertaker wanted to face The Game at WM28 is because no one has ever pushed Undertaker that far. Taker accepted the third challenge because he wanted to prove that he could still deliver the big victory. 

TripleH: "Undertaker will show tonight. I guaran-damn-tee it."

At 10:59pm, Sting comes to the ring. He says not a single word. All he does is wait. 

11pm. 

11:01pm. 

The lights flicker. 

The lights go out. 

The gong hits. 

The gong hits again.

The lights come on.

Undertaker is in the ring, FACE TO FACE with Sting!

The Undertaker is wearing his American Badass attire. He looks to the WM28 sign. He looks at Sting. He trembles with furious anger and then rips his thumb across his neck. Sting smiles ear to ear. 

RAW goes off the air. 

Road to WM28

Sting speaks highly of the Undertaker. But he's surprised to see him in his casual get up. "I want to face The Undertaker. Not some old biker. Deadman! Put on your purple gloves. Put on your trench coat. Put on your little hat that you borrowed from Good ol' JR. Do your special effects. Let's see if your voodoo magic can work on me!"

Undertaker comes out in his biker gear. No music. "That Undertaker is gone. You wanted a match against the Deadman, you've got it, but you get what you see standing before you."

Sting is disappointed. He tries to taunt the Undertaker. He moves his hands up and down but grows frustrated when the lights don't turn off. "If you're not gonna do your voodoo magic, at least show ME how to do it. I want this match to be SPECIAL, Deadman! C'mon!"

Undertaker says, "It'll be plenty special. 20 and 0 special." 

The following week, RAW opens with the Undertaker's old entrance music. The Deadman, in his full attire, comes to the ring. Trench coat, purple gloves, and hat. When he stands on the steps and moves his hands up, the lights don't come on. Instead, a spotlight hits. It's STING!

Sting laughs and proceeds to recount his career and why he's the one who will be able to beat the Deadman. As he talks, he strips out of the Undertaker's costume and says he knows why Undertaker has chosen not to wear all that stuff. It's a lot of gear! 

The lights turn off. 10 seconds later, they turn back on.

Sting looks perplexed.

The lights turn off. Five seconds later, they turn back on.

Sting looks confused! 

The lights turn off. One second later, they turn back on.

"Real funny, Undertaker! REAL FUNNY!" 

Sting asks Justin Roberts what the hell happened. Roberts tells Sting Undertaker isn't here tonight. Sting says, "Then what the hell was that?" Roberts says, "Technical difficulties?" Sting yells, "Don't give me that BS!"

The following week, Josh Matthews interviews Sting. It's clear Undertaker's mind games are already working. He seemed flustered last week. Sting says that's not true and he'll beat 'Taker at 'Mania.

He retreats to his locker room. Throughout the night, familiar faces visit. Arn Anderson, Booker T, Big Show all discuss The Undertaker, which clearly gets to Sting. Triple H comes in and says that Sting doesn't have to worry about any mysterious events since 'Taker isn't here tonight. Sting relaxes. Triple H jokes that Sting is really getting wound up over this stuff and if it keeps up, he'll NEVER survive. 

Later, Sting goes to use the bathroom. When he turns on the light, he sees a reflection of The Undertaker in the mirror. He screams and when he turns around, no one is there. Sting leaves in a panic.

The next week, Sting cuts a promo about how he's not really afraid and how he'll beat 'Taker at WM28. The lights go out. The gong hits. 

The druids come to the ring with flaming torches. A casket is wheeled onto the stage. Sting watches in terror. Inside the casket, Sting's baseball bat. A lighting bolt hits the casket, setting it on fire. 

Undertaker's appears on the Titan Tron. He's in a dessert at night, holding a dead scorpion by the tail. "Nothing can save you now. You're alone. And at Wrestlemania, just like this scorpion ... Sting ... you will ... REST. IN. PEACE." 

RAW goes off the air.

The following week, Josh Matthews points out that it was Sting's idea to goad the Undertaker into returning as the Deadman. And it's backfired.

The main event: The Undertaker comes to the ring in his full Deadman attire. 

The transformation is complete. His outfit is more terrifying and impressive than anything we've ever seen. The trench coat has been replaced with a restyled robe and hood. In the ring, he removes the hood and the robe to reveal a very sleek new design incorporating Undertaker's cross on the front. 

It's a reenvisioning of the Undertaker. 

A Sting Retrospective video plays, starting in his early days with the blonde hair and the colors and working his way all the way to the end of WCW. 

Undertaker says, "Wrestlemania 28. The Deadman goes 20-0." 

The lights go out. When they come back on, Sting is BEHIND the Undertaker! Sting has redone his classic white face paint. His face is now painted black ... and the Undertaker's cross is painted in white over the front of his face. Undertaker's eyes grow wide. Sting chokeslams the Undertaker! 

Turns out Sting was never afraid of the Undertaker after all! Running scared and living in fear was Sting's own mind game! 

THE WEEK BEFORE WRESTLEMANIA 28

RAW ends with Sting cutting a promo on ending the streak. "Triple H couldn't do it. Shawn Michaels couldn't do it. Batista couldn't do it. Randy Orton couldn't do it. Edge couldn't do it. The list goes on and on. But it stops this Sunday. I am is the one. The "1." This Sunday, the streak ends. "This Sunday, The Undertaker's record will spot the most unsightly of blemishes. The number 1. As in, 19-1."

Undertaker enters. He looks at the Wrestlemania logo over the ring. He looks at Sting. He looks at the Titan Tron, which sports "19-1." He actually looks nervous. Lawler says Sting has gotten into the head of the Undertaker. Sting's own mind game of playing into the fear has unnerved The Undertaker. That could be the upper hand Sting needs to do the unthinkable.

Undertaker rolls his eyes into the back of his head as RAW goes off the air.

Wrestlemania 28

The match is a classic from the entrance to the finish. Undertaker goes all out with one of the most elaborate and horrifying entrances of all time. Sting matches Undertaker with an equally impressive entrance. Sting continues to paint the Undertaker's cross onto his face. As the match comes to a close, it's clear that Undertaker has the upper hand and will seal this victory.

Sting rebounds and delivers a Stinger Splash. Undertaker stumbles into a chokeslam! Sting is exhausted. He tries to get the pin on the Deadman, but the Deadman sits up, classic Undertaker style! Sting backs off quickly and then drags his thumb over his neck! STING calls for the TOMBSTONE!

Undertaker gets up. Sting grabs 'Taker and positions him for the Tombstone Piledriver! Sting Tombstones the Undertaker! 

Sting goes for the classic Undetaker pin - hands over the chest.

The ref counts!

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3!

There is a collective gasp over the crowd. Not even the referee can believe it. Sting's music doesn't even play, because the guys in the gorilla position are too shocked to hit the music. Lillian Garcia hesitates. She stutters and stammers. She can't believe it.

And then Lawler notices the Undertaker's foot ... it's under the bottom rope! The referee notices! He doesn't know what to do. The ending is replayed we see the Undertaker barely manage to put his foot under the bottom rope on the second count. 

Teddy Long rushes to the stage and says, "REFEREE ... RESTART THIS MATCH!"

The crowd roars. Sting can't believe it! Undertaker struggles to his feet, but Sting is on the attack, delivering a second Stinger Splash. Sting drags the Deadman to the center of the ring. Sting is exhausted. He struggles to Undertaker onto his back, hooks the leg.

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UNDERTAKER KICKS!

Undertaker struggles to his feet and manages to deliver a sickening chokeslam! Undertaker pins Sting.

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STING KICKS! 

Undertaker calls for the Tombstone, but Sting slides off his shoulder and reverses into the Scorpion Death Drop! 

Sting pins 'Taker!

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TAKER KICKS!

Sting stumbles back in exhaustion. He can't believe it. Undertaker struggles to sit up but cannot. He collapses back to the mat. Sting rushes in for a second cover.

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UNDERTAKER KICKS!

Sting grabs Undertaker and calls for the Tombstone and sets Undertaker onto his shoulder. But Undertaker counters and delivers the TOMBSTONE TO STING!

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20-0. Undertaker wins!

New Christmas Rule

Bill Maher is the King of New Rules, but that hasn’t kept me from coming up with some of my own. One of my latest new rules: you shouldn’t “like” your own Facebook status. The reason is self-explanitory.

I saw a commercial on TV the other night which spurred another New Rule. The commercial featured Santa, reindeer, Christmas trees, Christmas lights, stockings over the fire place, and milk and cookies.

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, a Christmas advertisement. But Santa said, “Happy Holidays,” and with that, I took issue.

When I was a kid, the whole Merry Christmas thing offended me. If you know me today, you might be surprised since the general though of religion makes my skin crawl. But when I was young, I felt screwed. Why didn’t Jews get TV commercials? Why was Chanukah an afterthought? Why didn’t Jews get a holiday movie (Passion of the Christ doesn’t count)? Why would TV shows have some half assed little Menorah in the corner with one big nosed, curly haired Jew standing all alone, while everyone else had a good time? Why does this paragraph remind me of Passover diners?

Then, to appease me (and only me), the holidays were jumbled together. And that made me happy because, well, the spotlight wasn’t just on Santa and Jesus. If you wish me a Merry Christmas, chances are I’ll give you the death stare. While I don’t really celebrate any holiday, I do feel, in the spirit of the season, that the whole Happy Holidays greeting is acceptable.

If you run a generic “go buy stuff” commercial, it’s cool to cut to the chase with a Happy Holidays greeting. If you make no effort to include anyone else’s holiday celebration in your ad (and that’s totally fine) then call it what it is—a Christmas ad.

Getting There

I had dinner with a friend last night that lives in Alexandria, Virginia. You’d think as a lifelong DC resident, I’d know my way around … Good thing I have Annie, my portable GPS (MapQuest and I don’t get along—reading a map as I drive down dark, unknown roads is a recipe for disaster). I don’t name inanimate objects (I’m not eight), but after Annie helped me get to Annandale last year, I felt she earned a name.

Once I entered the address to the Mexican restaurant, I was good to go … except the suction that held Annie onto my windshield puckered out. Annie fell to her death. Good thing I had a backup navigation system on my cell. Annie II seemed to do the trick; until she told me I arrived at a stranger's ... casa. 

People say it’s not manly to ask for directions. It’s not manly to drive around wasting gas and getting pissed off. I found myself in Old Town and asked a lovely couple for directions. They were tourists. Fuckers. My friend couldn’t direct me. Next thing I knew, I was on 495 going to Baltimore! Turn around! Turn around!

I asked a guy at a gas station for directions to the Mexican restaurant. “Oh!” he said. “They have bomb ass enchiladas. Stay on this road until you get to the light and turn left on, you know, whatever that road is.”

His directions, no surprise, were incorrect. Suffice to say, I eventually found the place. The enchiladas were just okay.  

Fruit

I like fruit. I don’t eat eight pieces a day, but I usually have some berries, an apple, banana, or some mango. Occasionally, I like to freeze fruit. Bananas, when cut into slices and frozen, are great. Don’t make the mistake I did by freezing an entire banana unless you want to chip a tooth trying to take a bite.

I’m a writer. If you haven’t bought my book, you might consider doing so (www.itsamiracletheyaintdeadyet.com). People tell me they like it. Maybe they’re lying. I hope not. One thing I like to do from time to time is make comparisons. I like analogies just fine … unless one of the items being compared is a fruit and the other is something that will make me never want to eat that fruit again.

The tumor on his colon is the size of a grapefruit.

CM PUNK vs. CHRIS JERICHO: WRESTLEMANIA 28 (with a surprise ending)

If you know me, you know that I've been a fan of the WWE since I was three years old. If you don't know me ... now you know. I like to create fantasy bookings that I, as a fan and part of the WWE Universe, would like to see. The following is a booking I think most fans would enjoy. If so, spread the word. Tag @IAmJericho, @steveaustinBSR, @WWE, @CMPunk, @R_Roddy_Piper on Twitter. Send them this link. Tell them to read this. Let's make this happen!

RAW

Chris Jericho returns as a rock star heel. Everyone is beneath him. He's back for the money. And he's making a helluva lot more than anyone in the WWE Universe will eeee-eeeeever see! He's also returned because, while he was touring the world with Fozzy, CM Punk was stealing the 'Best in the World' moniker that describes only one wrestler: Chris Jericho.

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA

Punk and Jericho feud over who deserves to be labeled the Best in the World. 

What unfolds is basically the WWE's version of Annie Get Your Gun: Anything you can do, I can do better.  One-upmanship ensues. They compete in a series of exhibition matches, stealing all the local shows. Both men are excellent. But who is the BEST? 

CM Punk says he's sick and tired of Chris Jericho coming back to soak up some limelight just because his career on Dancing with the Stars fizzled and his Fozzy tour ended. Jericho never does anything for the fans. Punk says Jericho left because he couldn't handle the pressure of not being the best, failed at his other endeavors; now walks in like he's hot shit.

Jericho says he's the Best in the World and is entitled to do whatever he wants. He shouldn't be ridiculed by Punk! Not only is Jericho the best wrestler, but he's a helluva dancer and one bad ass rock star. Punk drops a pipebomb saying if Jericho was the best, why'd he fail on Dancing with the Stars? Why hasn't Fozzy ever hit #1 on the Billboards? Why is Jericho crawling back to the WWE like a sniveling, snotty, desperate six year old? The WWE is the only place that wants Jericho! 

Rowdy Roddy Piper interjects himself into the argument with one helluva idea: Wrestle at Wrestlemania 28 and put something on the line, like say ... the moniker for Best in the World!

Best in the World vs. Best in the World

A week before WM28, Jericho hosts a highlight reel. His guest is CM Punk. Jericho says there is a small category of Absolute BEST wrestlers. Shawn Michaels. Bret Hart. Steve Austin. Chris Jericho. Punk doesn't come close to anyone on that list.

Punk says comparisons like that aren't fair because everyone but Jericho has retired. But all that matters is that Number One Spot. And if Jericho thinks he's at the top, then once Punk wins at Mania, he'll be at the top!

WRESTLEMANIA 28

CM Punk vs. Jericho steals the show. They wrestle a 30 minute match, nailing home the fact that they are the two top guys world-wide. CM Punk wins, officially becoming the Best in the World. 

RAW

A highlight clip plays, including the promo where Jericho mentioned HBK, Hart, Austin, and himself. Punk: "If that's how you wanna play things, then that means once I win at Mania, I'll be at the top." 

CM Punk comes to the ring to celebrate his victory. He cuts a nice little promo until ...

Everyone is stunned! CM Punk cannot believe what's happening! Austin congratulates Punk on his victory. He admits that Jericho was one of his toughest opponents.

"It's a helluva accomplishment, beating Jericho at 'Mania. There's just one thing. When Jericho rattled off his list of "The Best," you said it wasn't a fair comparison since they were all retired. UH-UH! See that ain't quite true, son. Texas Rattlesnake's got him one more match in his tank and it goes like this. Stone Cold Steve Austin. CM Punk. Wrestlemania 29. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!"

Austin asks Punk if he wants a beer. Punk says he doesn't drink. Austin looks at him and says, "What?" Punk tries to explain, but Austin holds up his hands like he can't be bothered. 

BAM! STUNNER ON PUNK!