Randy Orton's WWE Return

Money in the Bank PPV - JULY 15th

The PPV begins with RAW's MITB Match. Dolph looks like he'll win ... until Vickie butts in. Ziggler gets distracted and loses! Vickie resolves tension by getting Ziggler a shot in the Smackdown MITB match!

Ziggler steals the show again during the Smackdown MITB match ... until Vickie interrupts AGAIN! Ziggler yells at Vickie and tells her that she better go backstage! During this action, someone ELSE wins the Smackdown MITB match!

RAW - JULY 16th

Vickie and Dolph have a blowout backstage. Swagger interjects and says they should patch things up. Ziggler snaps on Swagger and kicks his ass backstage, which leads to a match. 

We see a limo pulling up in the parking lot during this match. 

Vickie leaps up on the apron. But who does she help? Ziggler or Swagger? Swagger takes advantage and beats Ziggler! Vickie is still torn. She tries to get Ziggler back, but he pushes her away. We see the limo driver making his way to the ring. He hands Ziggler a small note. 

Much later we see the limo door open. Ziggler walks out. He's got a smile on his face. Vickie storms up to Ziggler and asks what the hell is going on. Ziggler says Vickie will find out next week. 

RAW - JULY 23rd

The show opens with a video of a private jet pulling up next to a Maybach limo. The word is that we're looking at footage filmed earlier in the day of Alberto del Rio arriving to RAW. 

Later, the Maybach limo arrives at the arena. 

During the main event, Vickie comes down to the ring. She calls out Ziggler. Ziggler says ever since he joined forces with Vickie he was promised the moon, but where has that gotten him? He's earned a spot on the roster as a steady mid-carder and he's SO MUCH BETTER than that! A few weeks back at the PPV, he had not one, but TWO chances to win the MITB match ... and he would've, if it wasn't for Vickie! 

Vickie beings to tremble. She begs him not to do anything rash. But Ziggler doesn't want to hear her crap. 

"Vickie. You're fired!"

Vickie screams. Finally, she calms down and says, "So what does this mean? You're going solo?"

"Not quite."

Ziggler points to the screen and ...

Ric Flair extends his hand to Vickie. Vickie loses her mind and storms out of the ring screaming. Flair and Ziggler embrace and Flair grabs the microphone. 

"Boy is it good to be back! And as much as I love you guys ... I don't wanna waste one damn SECOND! Dolph ZIGGLER. Vickie Guerrero has been nothing but a pain in your ASS. She's done nothing for your career. That changes. That changes TONIGHT! When I look at you, I see myself. You're cool. You're good looking. You're the best wrestler around today! You've got "IT!" Not a lot of people have "IT!" But you? Dolph. You got it, baby! YOU! GOT! IT! WOOOO! You are the future of this business, kid. To quote my old friend Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: You stick with me, you go straight to the top! You don't -- you've NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN!"

RAW - JULY 30th 

Ric Flair has managed to get Ziggler a title shot against CM Punk for the main event. Ziggler is blown away by how quickly Flair gets to work. Flair gives Ziggler pep talks all night about how his life is about to change. Tomorrow, you wake up a Champion! Tomorrow, you wake up the most in demand person in the WORLD. Interviews, radio shows, late night TV. Girls, oh baby. GIRLS.  

Just before the bell rings for Punk vs. Ziggler, footage pops up on the Titan Tron of some sort of melee backstage. John Laurinaitis has been put through a table. Word of even more backstage destruction leads our cameraman elsewhere. Otunga has been put through a table!

Suddenly ...

IT'S RANDY ORTON! He storms to the ring and then just stops dead in his tracks. Punk and Ziggler are on high alert. Orton paces around the ring and then BAM! RKO on Justin Roberts! Charles Robinson goes to leave the ring but Orton catches him! BAM! RKO!

Ziggler and Punk continue to watch, intrigued. Orton paces around the ring, inching closer to Punk. Punk watches intently -- ready to throw down. But Orton doesn't take his eyes off Ziggler. Suddenly, Orton delivers a low blow to Punk!

Ziggler jumps on Orton, but Orton struggles free and RKOs Ziggler. Flair dishes out a few shots to Orton before he falls victim to the RKO. RAW goes off the air with Orton standing in the center of the ring. On the mat, Roberts, Robinson, Punk, Ziggler, and Ric Flair. Orton runs his hands over his head and tries to control his breathing. 

RAW, AUGUST 6th

John Laurinaitis opens RAW asking for explanations for the wreckage Orton caused on RAW the previous week.

Orton comes to the ring. He tells Laurinaitis he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. The drug he takes -- to keep his temper under control -- is not approved by the FDA or by the WWE doctors. So when he was randomly tested, he failed. And his prescription wasn't good enough. In the eyes of the WWE Officials ... in the eyes of Laurinaitis ... he deserved a suspension. 

Well his suspension is up. And if Orton doesn't want to get suspended again, he has to stop taking his meds. And if he can't take his meds, there is nothing to control his temper. When he snaps, he turns from man to machine. "THERE IS NO STOPPING ME."

CM Punk makes his way to the ring. He says Orton is about to go full blown insane. But there are bigger things to discuss, like the fact that Orton kicked Punk in the BALLS last week.

Orton tells Punk to "shut the **** up" -- he's beeped. Laurinaitis freaks! This is a family show! Orton says he wants a shot at the title. His request his granted in an effort to quiet him down.

Flair and Ziggler enter. Before they can talk, Orton says he was in Ziggler's place once. He was the future. But when Flair says Ziggler is the new future, he's lying. Flair is a pathetic old man. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. He doesn't care about Ziggler. He cares about MONEY. And if he can make money by associating with Ziggler, he's gonna do it. Back 10 years ago, when Evolution was rolling strong, Flair's opinions were relevant. They ain't relevant anymore! Ziggler isn't the future. Ziggler is a LOSER. And tonight, CM Punk will ALSO be a loser. 

In the main event on RAW, Randy Orton WINS THE WWE TITLE! 

THE WEEKS THAT FOLLOW 

Punk and Ziggler get a shot at Orton's title in a triple threat match at Summer Slam. Orton isn't methodical anymore. His style in the ring has changed. He's fast. He works with deadly precision. He moves and attacks and beats people down with the quickness. No one can stop Orton. He retains his WWE Title.  

Punk drops out of this match and starts feuding with someone else.

Meanwhile, Orton and Ziggler move forward, feuding for the WWE Title. 

The storyline: Flair said Orton was the future 10 years ago. And Flair was right. But you can only be right so many times. Now Flair is back -- for the MONEY, not for Ziggler -- and he's preaching the same old crap. Well, this time he's wrong. And for several weeks, Orton proves it. He bests Ziggler in every match they have.

Flair tells Ziggler it doesn't matter why he's back (the money). What matters is a conversation he had with Vince McMahon before he signed the contract. Vince asked who Flair thought was the future of the business. Flair said "DOLPH ZIGGLER." Flair only offered his services as a manager to Ziggler -- AFTER his contract was signed. The fact is, Flair already had the job before he asked if he could manage Ziggler. 

Ziggler believes Flair and they begin to campaign for one final title shot at Night of Champions. And since this is the last match Ziggler has against Orton, he's decided to ask for a match he knows he can win. AN IRON MAN MATCH!

Orton accepts the challenge.

Night of Champions PPV

In the main event, Ziggler and Orton wrestle a 60 minute Iron Man Match for the WWE Title. To shake things up, there isn't a single pin fall until the last 5 minutes, when Orton delivers an RKO!

He pins Ziggler and picks up one pin fall.

Ziggler fights back and with one minute left, he lays Orton out with a Fame-Asser (or whatever he calls it)! Ziggler pins Orton and wins!

With the match tied 1-1 and only 50 seconds to go, Ziggler leaps on Orton and locks in the sleeper hold. Orton struggles, then fades. The ref holds up his hand. It drops!

1

The ref holds up his hand. It drops!

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The ref holds up his hand.

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. THE MATCH IS OVER!

Orton's hand drops.

With no clear winner, Laurinaitis says the match will now go into Sudden Death! Orton and Ziggler struggle to their feet and Orton goes for an RKO, but Ziggler pushes Orton off. Ziggler hits Orton with a Zig Zag! Orton is down!

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Orton kicks!

Orton struggles to his feet and looks like he's going to hit another RKO out of nowhere when Ziggler counters with a second Zig Zag!

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Zack Ryder and Eve: Wrestlemania 28

RAW, March 12

Zack feels blown away by Eve's kiss from the previous week. Josh Matthews interviews him and implies that Zack can't be THAT foolish to fall for the kiss. Eve is up to no good! But Ryder is sold. He's in love again. All is forgiven.

Cena confronts Ryder and says he's glad they're friends again, but feels like Ryder is being foolish. Ryder says Cena is wrong and he's planning something HUGE. It might be rushed. It might be wrong. But damn it, broski, it just feels right!

Rumors reach Eve, who smiles maliciously. She can milk this and ride his career straight to the top. 

RAW, March 19

Eve overhears some WWE Executives (who were there on business revolving around Laurinaitis and Teddy Long) talking about how Zack Ryder is a star in the making! 

Ryder tells Eve he has something big planned for WM28 but he's afraid he's moving too quickly. They need to spend some time together and get to know one another. Eve agrees. She apologizes for her earlier actions and says that's not who she really is and simply got caught up in the moment. Ryder believes her. 

Lawler tells Ryder that he should be careful—he's fallen for a woman before who wanted nothing more than to take advantage and ride coattails. Ryder lashes out and tells Lawler he's wrong and should stay out of this!

RAW, March 26

Eve and Ryder go out for dinner. They go to a fancy restaurant and spend some time getting to know one another. Ryder tells Eve people are telling him not to rush into things, but he's in love. 

At one point, Ryder excuses himself to use the bathroom and Eve rolls her eyes and says, "What a loser."

After dinner, they head back to the arena. A match has just ended and the winner is still celebrating when Zack Ryder hits the ring. He calls out Eve and tells her that he can't wait another second.

"Eve, will you marry me?"

"Yes."

Wrestlemania 28

A small wedding chapel is rolled out in the center of the Wrestlemania 28 stage. 

Zack Ryder comes to the ring in a tuxedo. The crowd boos, because they think he's making a mistake.

Ryder tells Eve how beautiful she looks. He's sweating. Eve hugs him. Brother Love plans to marry the couple, but first, Zack has a few words …

Ryder speaks about how he fell in love with Eve months ago and, as in all relationships, they might have hit a little turbulence, but the skies have cleared and the future looks bright. 

Without further ado, Brother Love begins the ceremony. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here tonight in Miami, Florida on April 1st, 2012 to witness the joining of two lives. Eve Torres, do you take Zack Ryder to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to told from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?"

Eve: "I do."

"And Zack, do you take Eve to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to told from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?"

The crowd roars with boos. A "Hoeski" chant breaks out. Eve tries to remain composed. 

Zack finally speaks: "I do."

Brother Love: "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and w--"

Ryder: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! Wait a second. Broski Love, WHAT'D you say the date is?!"

Brother Love: "April 1st."

Ryder cracks a mischievous grin -- the crowd roars. Ryder turns slowly to Eve and then says, "Eve, baby! APRIL FOOLS! We all know you can't turn a hoeski into a housewife! WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT."

Sting vs. The Undertaker: Wrestlemania 28

Sting was recently interviewed and said he would like to have a match against The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, it looks like we're going to see Triple H vs. Undertaker III.

I would much prefer to see Sting vs. Undertaker, so I took the liberty of fantasy booking the storyline, picking up where last week's episode of RAW (1/30/12) ended ...

RAW

Triple h refuses to face Undertaker at WM28, saying twice is enough. Undertaker says Triple H is afraid of going 0-3 against the Deadman. Triple H downplays it and condescendingly says he's just too busy. 

The following week, Undertaker discusses his career, streak, and deep respect for this business and the fans. 19 Wrestlemania matches. Not one loss. There's nothing left to prove.

Triple H runs to the ring and begs Undertaker to reconsider. Undertaker says he's made up his mind. Time to hang up the boots.

Undertaker tries to leave, but Trips ain't havin' it. He YANKS Undertaker back and starts to yell at him -- but the microphones aren't raised, so we can't hear. Triple H wants to say something, but for some reason, he can't. Undertaker turns to leave. Triple H pulls him back again! Undertaker hits Triple H with a farewell Chokeslam, stops o the ramp, does his trademark fist in the air raise. RAW ends.

The week after, Triple H is on the phone and in a panic. He's asking Vince McMahon for advice. Triple H is told to proceed. The ink has dried. The contract has been signed. The money has been spent. 

During the main event, there are a series of technical difficulties. At first, Cole blames it on the production crew. But they become more ominous and Lawler realizes what's happening. Undertaker changed his mind! The main event ends, but the mysterious occurrences continue. A spotlight hits the entrance ramp. And then it suddenly moves to the center of the ring. A series of spotlights appear all over the stage, ramp and ring. Electrical sounds ramp up. Lights flicker on and off. Fog appears at the ramp and the crowd goes berserk. 

It's gotta be the Undertaker!! 

And then, then arena goes totally black!

"NEXT WEEK, HE ARRIVES" appears on the Titan Tron. 

Lawler: "Arrives? But Undertaker just left!" 

Cole: "What if it's not The Undertaker? What if it's someone else?" 

RAW, HE ARRIVES!

RAW opens with a retrospective of the Undertaker, starting at Survivor Series '93 and going all the way to RAW when he chokeslammed Triple H a few weeks ago. 

Throughout the night, 10 second videos interrupt every match. They show videos of Undertaker's greatest opponents play: Snuka, Psycho Sid, Kevin Nash, Flair, Triple H, Steve Austin, The Rock, Shawn Michaels. The lights go out, the video plays, and the match resumes. 

Everyone knows Undertaker is back, but Cole is suspicious. Why would he be airing "He arrives" videos when he only just left? Lawler says that it's the mystique of the Undertaker and that Cole should shut up. 

At 10:55, as RAW comes back from a commercial, the lights go out over the arena. The GONG hits. The Gong hits a second time! And then fog pours out over the entire ramp. Lightening and pyro go off on the ramp. AND THEN ...

A SPOTLIGHT HITS THE RAFTERS. A shadowy figure is being lowered into the ring.

The announcers go silent as a spotlight reveals STING! He holds his trademark baseball bat! The crowd roars. (They'll be in a wrestling town that night).

"All I've ever wanted as a match at Wrestlemania. Over the years, I thought about who I could clash with and what an honor it'd be. The Rock. Steve Austin. Triple H. Shawn Michaels. They've all come ... and they've all gone. But one man has stayed. Well ... until last week. And ladies and gentlemen ... now you know why Triple H turned down the match against Undertaker. Now you know why Triple H didn't want the Undertaker to hang up his boots! And now you know why Vince McMahon told Triple H to proceed. BECAUSE THE STINGER WAS COMIN' for the DEADMAN! ... But ... but then the Undertaker ... quit? The fact is, I don'tneed to wrestle the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28. I can find someone else to face. But the truth of the matter is ... I've only got eyes for you, Deadman! So whattaya' say? Take those boots off the shelf! Face the Stinger at Wrestlemania. YOU KNOW YOU WANNA, DEADMAN! YOU KNOOOOW YOU WANNA! The Icon. The Deadman. The two most iconic figures in ALL of professional wrestling and yet ... we've never crossed paths. You can right this wrong, Deadman. Next week. You can give me my answer. I'll be waiting."

RAW

RAW builds to the main event: The supposed confrontation between Sting and The Undertaker. We await the arrival of The Deadman.  Even Vince shows up and tells Triple H that there is BIG money to be made off this match, and that is why Triple H must make CERTAIN that the Deadman shows. Triple H says Undertaker doesn't care about the money. Undertaker cares about the Streak. He cares about the challenge. The reason Undertaker wanted to face The Game at WM28 is because no one has ever pushed Undertaker that far. Taker accepted the third challenge because he wanted to prove that he could still deliver the big victory. 

TripleH: "Undertaker will show tonight. I guaran-damn-tee it."

At 10:59pm, Sting comes to the ring. He says not a single word. All he does is wait. 

11pm. 

11:01pm. 

The lights flicker. 

The lights go out. 

The gong hits. 

The gong hits again.

The lights come on.

Undertaker is in the ring, FACE TO FACE with Sting!

The Undertaker is wearing his American Badass attire. He looks to the WM28 sign. He looks at Sting. He trembles with furious anger and then rips his thumb across his neck. Sting smiles ear to ear. 

RAW goes off the air. 

Road to WM28

Sting speaks highly of the Undertaker. But he's surprised to see him in his casual get up. "I want to face The Undertaker. Not some old biker. Deadman! Put on your purple gloves. Put on your trench coat. Put on your little hat that you borrowed from Good ol' JR. Do your special effects. Let's see if your voodoo magic can work on me!"

Undertaker comes out in his biker gear. No music. "That Undertaker is gone. You wanted a match against the Deadman, you've got it, but you get what you see standing before you."

Sting is disappointed. He tries to taunt the Undertaker. He moves his hands up and down but grows frustrated when the lights don't turn off. "If you're not gonna do your voodoo magic, at least show ME how to do it. I want this match to be SPECIAL, Deadman! C'mon!"

Undertaker says, "It'll be plenty special. 20 and 0 special." 

The following week, RAW opens with the Undertaker's old entrance music. The Deadman, in his full attire, comes to the ring. Trench coat, purple gloves, and hat. When he stands on the steps and moves his hands up, the lights don't come on. Instead, a spotlight hits. It's STING!

Sting laughs and proceeds to recount his career and why he's the one who will be able to beat the Deadman. As he talks, he strips out of the Undertaker's costume and says he knows why Undertaker has chosen not to wear all that stuff. It's a lot of gear! 

The lights turn off. 10 seconds later, they turn back on.

Sting looks perplexed.

The lights turn off. Five seconds later, they turn back on.

Sting looks confused! 

The lights turn off. One second later, they turn back on.

"Real funny, Undertaker! REAL FUNNY!" 

Sting asks Justin Roberts what the hell happened. Roberts tells Sting Undertaker isn't here tonight. Sting says, "Then what the hell was that?" Roberts says, "Technical difficulties?" Sting yells, "Don't give me that BS!"

The following week, Josh Matthews interviews Sting. It's clear Undertaker's mind games are already working. He seemed flustered last week. Sting says that's not true and he'll beat 'Taker at 'Mania.

He retreats to his locker room. Throughout the night, familiar faces visit. Arn Anderson, Booker T, Big Show all discuss The Undertaker, which clearly gets to Sting. Triple H comes in and says that Sting doesn't have to worry about any mysterious events since 'Taker isn't here tonight. Sting relaxes. Triple H jokes that Sting is really getting wound up over this stuff and if it keeps up, he'll NEVER survive. 

Later, Sting goes to use the bathroom. When he turns on the light, he sees a reflection of The Undertaker in the mirror. He screams and when he turns around, no one is there. Sting leaves in a panic.

The next week, Sting cuts a promo about how he's not really afraid and how he'll beat 'Taker at WM28. The lights go out. The gong hits. 

The druids come to the ring with flaming torches. A casket is wheeled onto the stage. Sting watches in terror. Inside the casket, Sting's baseball bat. A lighting bolt hits the casket, setting it on fire. 

Undertaker's appears on the Titan Tron. He's in a dessert at night, holding a dead scorpion by the tail. "Nothing can save you now. You're alone. And at Wrestlemania, just like this scorpion ... Sting ... you will ... REST. IN. PEACE." 

RAW goes off the air.

The following week, Josh Matthews points out that it was Sting's idea to goad the Undertaker into returning as the Deadman. And it's backfired.

The main event: The Undertaker comes to the ring in his full Deadman attire. 

The transformation is complete. His outfit is more terrifying and impressive than anything we've ever seen. The trench coat has been replaced with a restyled robe and hood. In the ring, he removes the hood and the robe to reveal a very sleek new design incorporating Undertaker's cross on the front. 

It's a reenvisioning of the Undertaker. 

A Sting Retrospective video plays, starting in his early days with the blonde hair and the colors and working his way all the way to the end of WCW. 

Undertaker says, "Wrestlemania 28. The Deadman goes 20-0." 

The lights go out. When they come back on, Sting is BEHIND the Undertaker! Sting has redone his classic white face paint. His face is now painted black ... and the Undertaker's cross is painted in white over the front of his face. Undertaker's eyes grow wide. Sting chokeslams the Undertaker! 

Turns out Sting was never afraid of the Undertaker after all! Running scared and living in fear was Sting's own mind game! 

THE WEEK BEFORE WRESTLEMANIA 28

RAW ends with Sting cutting a promo on ending the streak. "Triple H couldn't do it. Shawn Michaels couldn't do it. Batista couldn't do it. Randy Orton couldn't do it. Edge couldn't do it. The list goes on and on. But it stops this Sunday. I am is the one. The "1." This Sunday, the streak ends. "This Sunday, The Undertaker's record will spot the most unsightly of blemishes. The number 1. As in, 19-1."

Undertaker enters. He looks at the Wrestlemania logo over the ring. He looks at Sting. He looks at the Titan Tron, which sports "19-1." He actually looks nervous. Lawler says Sting has gotten into the head of the Undertaker. Sting's own mind game of playing into the fear has unnerved The Undertaker. That could be the upper hand Sting needs to do the unthinkable.

Undertaker rolls his eyes into the back of his head as RAW goes off the air.

Wrestlemania 28

The match is a classic from the entrance to the finish. Undertaker goes all out with one of the most elaborate and horrifying entrances of all time. Sting matches Undertaker with an equally impressive entrance. Sting continues to paint the Undertaker's cross onto his face. As the match comes to a close, it's clear that Undertaker has the upper hand and will seal this victory.

Sting rebounds and delivers a Stinger Splash. Undertaker stumbles into a chokeslam! Sting is exhausted. He tries to get the pin on the Deadman, but the Deadman sits up, classic Undertaker style! Sting backs off quickly and then drags his thumb over his neck! STING calls for the TOMBSTONE!

Undertaker gets up. Sting grabs 'Taker and positions him for the Tombstone Piledriver! Sting Tombstones the Undertaker! 

Sting goes for the classic Undetaker pin - hands over the chest.

The ref counts!

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3!

There is a collective gasp over the crowd. Not even the referee can believe it. Sting's music doesn't even play, because the guys in the gorilla position are too shocked to hit the music. Lillian Garcia hesitates. She stutters and stammers. She can't believe it.

And then Lawler notices the Undertaker's foot ... it's under the bottom rope! The referee notices! He doesn't know what to do. The ending is replayed we see the Undertaker barely manage to put his foot under the bottom rope on the second count. 

Teddy Long rushes to the stage and says, "REFEREE ... RESTART THIS MATCH!"

The crowd roars. Sting can't believe it! Undertaker struggles to his feet, but Sting is on the attack, delivering a second Stinger Splash. Sting drags the Deadman to the center of the ring. Sting is exhausted. He struggles to Undertaker onto his back, hooks the leg.

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UNDERTAKER KICKS!

Undertaker struggles to his feet and manages to deliver a sickening chokeslam! Undertaker pins Sting.

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STING KICKS! 

Undertaker calls for the Tombstone, but Sting slides off his shoulder and reverses into the Scorpion Death Drop! 

Sting pins 'Taker!

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TAKER KICKS!

Sting stumbles back in exhaustion. He can't believe it. Undertaker struggles to sit up but cannot. He collapses back to the mat. Sting rushes in for a second cover.

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UNDERTAKER KICKS!

Sting grabs Undertaker and calls for the Tombstone and sets Undertaker onto his shoulder. But Undertaker counters and delivers the TOMBSTONE TO STING!

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20-0. Undertaker wins!

New Christmas Rule

Bill Maher is the King of New Rules, but that hasn’t kept me from coming up with some of my own. One of my latest new rules: you shouldn’t “like” your own Facebook status. The reason is self-explanitory.

I saw a commercial on TV the other night which spurred another New Rule. The commercial featured Santa, reindeer, Christmas trees, Christmas lights, stockings over the fire place, and milk and cookies.

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, a Christmas advertisement. But Santa said, “Happy Holidays,” and with that, I took issue.

When I was a kid, the whole Merry Christmas thing offended me. If you know me today, you might be surprised since the general though of religion makes my skin crawl. But when I was young, I felt screwed. Why didn’t Jews get TV commercials? Why was Chanukah an afterthought? Why didn’t Jews get a holiday movie (Passion of the Christ doesn’t count)? Why would TV shows have some half assed little Menorah in the corner with one big nosed, curly haired Jew standing all alone, while everyone else had a good time? Why does this paragraph remind me of Passover diners?

Then, to appease me (and only me), the holidays were jumbled together. And that made me happy because, well, the spotlight wasn’t just on Santa and Jesus. If you wish me a Merry Christmas, chances are I’ll give you the death stare. While I don’t really celebrate any holiday, I do feel, in the spirit of the season, that the whole Happy Holidays greeting is acceptable.

If you run a generic “go buy stuff” commercial, it’s cool to cut to the chase with a Happy Holidays greeting. If you make no effort to include anyone else’s holiday celebration in your ad (and that’s totally fine) then call it what it is—a Christmas ad.

Getting There

I had dinner with a friend last night that lives in Alexandria, Virginia. You’d think as a lifelong DC resident, I’d know my way around … Good thing I have Annie, my portable GPS (MapQuest and I don’t get along—reading a map as I drive down dark, unknown roads is a recipe for disaster). I don’t name inanimate objects (I’m not eight), but after Annie helped me get to Annandale last year, I felt she earned a name.

Once I entered the address to the Mexican restaurant, I was good to go … except the suction that held Annie onto my windshield puckered out. Annie fell to her death. Good thing I had a backup navigation system on my cell. Annie II seemed to do the trick; until she told me I arrived at a stranger's ... casa. 

People say it’s not manly to ask for directions. It’s not manly to drive around wasting gas and getting pissed off. I found myself in Old Town and asked a lovely couple for directions. They were tourists. Fuckers. My friend couldn’t direct me. Next thing I knew, I was on 495 going to Baltimore! Turn around! Turn around!

I asked a guy at a gas station for directions to the Mexican restaurant. “Oh!” he said. “They have bomb ass enchiladas. Stay on this road until you get to the light and turn left on, you know, whatever that road is.”

His directions, no surprise, were incorrect. Suffice to say, I eventually found the place. The enchiladas were just okay.  

Fruit

I like fruit. I don’t eat eight pieces a day, but I usually have some berries, an apple, banana, or some mango. Occasionally, I like to freeze fruit. Bananas, when cut into slices and frozen, are great. Don’t make the mistake I did by freezing an entire banana unless you want to chip a tooth trying to take a bite.

I’m a writer. If you haven’t bought my book, you might consider doing so (www.itsamiracletheyaintdeadyet.com). People tell me they like it. Maybe they’re lying. I hope not. One thing I like to do from time to time is make comparisons. I like analogies just fine … unless one of the items being compared is a fruit and the other is something that will make me never want to eat that fruit again.

The tumor on his colon is the size of a grapefruit.

CM PUNK vs. CHRIS JERICHO: WRESTLEMANIA 28 (with a surprise ending)

If you know me, you know that I've been a fan of the WWE since I was three years old. If you don't know me ... now you know. I like to create fantasy bookings that I, as a fan and part of the WWE Universe, would like to see. The following is a booking I think most fans would enjoy. If so, spread the word. Tag @IAmJericho, @steveaustinBSR, @WWE, @CMPunk, @R_Roddy_Piper on Twitter. Send them this link. Tell them to read this. Let's make this happen!

RAW

Chris Jericho returns as a rock star heel. Everyone is beneath him. He's back for the money. And he's making a helluva lot more than anyone in the WWE Universe will eeee-eeeeever see! He's also returned because, while he was touring the world with Fozzy, CM Punk was stealing the 'Best in the World' moniker that describes only one wrestler: Chris Jericho.

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA

Punk and Jericho feud over who deserves to be labeled the Best in the World. 

What unfolds is basically the WWE's version of Annie Get Your Gun: Anything you can do, I can do better.  One-upmanship ensues. They compete in a series of exhibition matches, stealing all the local shows. Both men are excellent. But who is the BEST? 

CM Punk says he's sick and tired of Chris Jericho coming back to soak up some limelight just because his career on Dancing with the Stars fizzled and his Fozzy tour ended. Jericho never does anything for the fans. Punk says Jericho left because he couldn't handle the pressure of not being the best, failed at his other endeavors; now walks in like he's hot shit.

Jericho says he's the Best in the World and is entitled to do whatever he wants. He shouldn't be ridiculed by Punk! Not only is Jericho the best wrestler, but he's a helluva dancer and one bad ass rock star. Punk drops a pipebomb saying if Jericho was the best, why'd he fail on Dancing with the Stars? Why hasn't Fozzy ever hit #1 on the Billboards? Why is Jericho crawling back to the WWE like a sniveling, snotty, desperate six year old? The WWE is the only place that wants Jericho! 

Rowdy Roddy Piper interjects himself into the argument with one helluva idea: Wrestle at Wrestlemania 28 and put something on the line, like say ... the moniker for Best in the World!

Best in the World vs. Best in the World

A week before WM28, Jericho hosts a highlight reel. His guest is CM Punk. Jericho says there is a small category of Absolute BEST wrestlers. Shawn Michaels. Bret Hart. Steve Austin. Chris Jericho. Punk doesn't come close to anyone on that list.

Punk says comparisons like that aren't fair because everyone but Jericho has retired. But all that matters is that Number One Spot. And if Jericho thinks he's at the top, then once Punk wins at Mania, he'll be at the top!

WRESTLEMANIA 28

CM Punk vs. Jericho steals the show. They wrestle a 30 minute match, nailing home the fact that they are the two top guys world-wide. CM Punk wins, officially becoming the Best in the World. 

RAW

A highlight clip plays, including the promo where Jericho mentioned HBK, Hart, Austin, and himself. Punk: "If that's how you wanna play things, then that means once I win at Mania, I'll be at the top." 

CM Punk comes to the ring to celebrate his victory. He cuts a nice little promo until ...

Everyone is stunned! CM Punk cannot believe what's happening! Austin congratulates Punk on his victory. He admits that Jericho was one of his toughest opponents.

"It's a helluva accomplishment, beating Jericho at 'Mania. There's just one thing. When Jericho rattled off his list of "The Best," you said it wasn't a fair comparison since they were all retired. UH-UH! See that ain't quite true, son. Texas Rattlesnake's got him one more match in his tank and it goes like this. Stone Cold Steve Austin. CM Punk. Wrestlemania 29. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!"

Austin asks Punk if he wants a beer. Punk says he doesn't drink. Austin looks at him and says, "What?" Punk tries to explain, but Austin holds up his hands like he can't be bothered. 

BAM! STUNNER ON PUNK!

Can We Afford to Eat There?

I walked through Times Square, the must-see destination for tourists in what is arguably the Greatest City in the World—a nucleus of hotels, entertainment, food, and street shows. But, sadly, I noticed that the streets of Destination Numero Uno are lined with chain restaurants—the same ones that populate every suburban shopping complex in the U.S. of A. After site seeing in a bustling new world the likes of which, perhaps, you’ve never seen, it’s perfectly understandable to seek something familiar and comforting for dinner. 

Alternatives exist that are cheaper than one might expect. Get a bagel with lox, pretzel with mustard, and real New York City pizza. I know you’ve had Hebrew National hot dogs before, but there’s nothing like Central Park on a blustery winter day—chowing down a hot dog. 

It dismays me to think that tourists might forgo the culinary wonders Manhattan has to offer. Budget your trip expenses to permit one dining splurge. Many restaurants offer a true taste of extravagance. Not even Gordon Ramsay can afford to eat at Gordon Ramsay at the London. But you can find upscale restaurants that offer less expensive bar alternatives, like Maze by Gordon Ramsay.

Food is a crucial motivator for travel. Different countries/cultures boast unique, amazing food. So do American states.  

Maybe it’s just my inner food snob speaking, but, while on vacation, everyone should experience one-out-of-this-world meal. It’s a damn shame to travel to the Greatest City in the World only to end up at TGI Friday's.

Wrong Number

No one really dials a number anymore. Either you take advantage of speed dial or you comb through your phone book and select the friend you wish to call.

With all the advances in technology that makes many things, like placing a phone call, so effortless (who remembers phone numbers?), one should take extra precaution when physically dialing a number … especially at five a.m.

I can imagine a few scenarios where one would need to call someone at such an hour. A death in the family, husband or child didn’t come home—all stressful occurrences, which might lead one to dial in a panic.

But, please pay attention, because I don’t know you, “Hamilton, Geoff” from (614). And I’m sleeping. 

If I End Up in the Hospital, You Know Why ...

Call me a food snob. I’ve dined at some of the best restaurants in Manhattan. I recall every detail of every meal. My two best? Gordon Ramsay at the London and Bouley.

So when I walked into McDonald’s with the intention of ordering a McRib (at the behest of a friend), I wanted to keep a low profile. Because: I work out six days a week and I eat vegetables! Then again, the company I keep is also pretty healthy. So if I ran into someone I knew at McDonald’s, I’m sure they’d feel just as busted. But, since one of the 70 ingredients in the McRib is a product used to make yoga mats, that makes the McRib a quasi-health food, right?

Fearful that other customers would judge me, I planned to whisper my order. I imagined adjacent customers would say, Is this dude really ordering a McRib? Gross. I successfully placed my order with the cashier who appeared to be the only one listening to me. Excellent. He’d hand me my food, I’d run to my car, take several bites, toss the evidence, go home and take a cold shower.

I found myself wondering if I should order a back up meal. Yeah, I like foie gras. But I also like a double quarter pounder with cheese. To be a proper food snob, you can’t thumb your nose (snout?) at lesser foods. We should find something enjoyable in every meal.

An employee appeared with a to-go bag presumably for me. I hurried to grab my food, but before I extended my hand, her voice rang out. McRib, to go!

Damn. Everyone was looking at me. I thanked her, snatched the bag, and ran to the safety of my car.

If you ask any non-food snob if he’d willingly eat the lesser-known parts of a pig—heart, snout, maybe even some skin— he’d probably say no. But people eat these processed pieces of meat every day when they eat fast food or a Slim Jim.  So in some weird way, they’re food snobs too, eating unique and odd food combinations that other people might snort at as being too pretentious.

I ate my McRib in the parking lot, half regretting not ordering fries, a milkshake, and a double quarter-pounder. During my drive home my teeth started to hurt. Not one tooth—all of them.

Making Lists

I make lists the old-fashioned way. On paper. I don’t have an iPhone, which means I don’t have Siri. I suppose I could use the memo pad on my not-as-fancy Smart Phone, but then I’d have to remind myself to check my reminder notes.

One of two things always ends up happening. I either forget the piece of paper at home or I forget that I have it on me until I get home and empty my pockets.

This makes going to the grocery store a hassle. The usual things—like time constraints, long lines, or annoying people who park in the center of the aisle and don't hear me say “Excuse me”—don’t bother me (as much) as always forgetting the one thing I absolutely needed just as I pull out of the parking lot.

Son of a bitch! Toilet Paper!

60 Minutes

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of comparisons to Andy Rooney.

I disagree. For starters, I don’t look like I’m in my 90's and Andy doesn’t look like he’s in his 20's. I rarely wear suits. But every time I see Andy Rooney, he's always wearing one. And my eyebrows are not the slightest bit bushy. 

We do put our elbows on the table, though.

I’m not saying similarities between the two of us don't exist. We both have noses. And eyes, too. And it just so happens that we both hear with our ears. So in that instance, we’re very much alike. We’re both men, too.

So for friends and family to say I remind them of Andy Rooney just boggles my mind. Unless, of course, the similarities they speak of have nothing to do with appearance. 

WALKING

Walking is great. I use my feet to take me places, like from my sofa to the bathroom. Or from my car to the subway. Sometimes, if it’s nice out, I’ll even park my car a little further from my destination.

But sometimes people walk incorrectly. Walking, like driving, takes great concentration. You shouldn’t text while you drive, but you also shouldn’t text while you walk. There are all sorts of distractions, from light poles to other pesky pedestrians to uneven sidewalks that can get in your way.

I wish Apple had a horn app that I could download so I could honk at people who linger after getting off the escalator, or slow down in the middle of the sidewalk instead of stepping to the side. Saying excuse me just doesn’t say hey you, get out of my way like a blasting horn. Although I guess saying, “Hey you, get out of my way” would work.

TRAPPED

I was trapped in an elevator once. I was going out for dinner with some family friends. We were starving. You know that scene in You’ve Got Mail (shut up, you know you’ve seen it) where Joe Fox (“F-O-X”) and his neighbors are stuck in the elevator and they’re doing that whole if I ever get outta’ here thing? That was us, except we were thinking about what we’d order ...

I’ve yet to be stuck in an elevator again. I don’t want to be stuck in an elevator … but if it happened, I would hope it’d be the time I was coming back with some delicious Chipotle or a burger from that burger place I like so much in New York City. That wouldn’t be so bad. Or with a deliveryman from a pizza place or a Chinese restaurant. They always put plastic forks in the bags, so we’d be good.

But there’s the possibility that the deliveryman has a 100% successful delivery rate and refuses to eat the food. I’d offer to pay for it, of course, but with a 100% successful delivery rate, I doubt that’d matter. Would I tip him? After all, I didn't actually place the order. I imagine that the family who ordered Chinese food or pizza would want us to eat their food if they knew we were stuck in an elevator possibly starving to death.

I just hope I never get stuck in an elevator when I have to pee, because deliverymen don’t carry empty water bottles.  

New Name!

Yup, I changed the name. The old It’s a Miracle They Ain’t Dead Yet blog could only deliver so much. I don’t work in the restaurant industry anymore. Creating a new blog would be such a hassle—I’d have to notify all six subscribers.

It’s time to shake things up!

Damn, It's Hot in Here ...

From time to time, a random Texas Café memory will pop up that makes me think back to the good ol’ days. I recently found myself complaining to a neighbor about the June-like weather we experienced in April and how I desperately wished our building would turn on the A/C.

Suddenly, I recalled a sweltering night at the Texas Café and a burning hot kitchen's role in uniting an entire kitchen staff in absolute misery.  If you’ve read It’s a Miracle They Ain’t Dead Yet, you know the story about the broken kitchen air conditioner. (If you don’t, the book is six bucks on Kindle—make it happen.)

Luckily, on that particular hellish night, I wasn’t on the line, which meant I was about five degrees cooler than the line cooks. But our kitchen thermometer was hovering at 135; we were gulping water from giant plastic to-go cups every few minutes.

I had two towels on my apron that night. One for hot plates, the other to wipe away the sweat beads that accumulated on my forehead. Wait until August, said Max, one of the line cooks. I reached for my second towel.

There’s gotta be something we can do, I said as I instructed Nelson, the dishwasher, to hose my face down with the retractable faucet handle. The other cooks lined up and instructed Nelson to do the same to them. Temporary relief.

Manny, another line cook, suddenly threw his tongs down and hoisted his arms into the air. Eureka! The old kitchen fan served no purpose other than to re-circulate warm air. BUT! If he put a giant bucket of ice in front of the fan, perhaps the ice would melt, blowing cool air through the kitchen.

We watched with great anticipation as Manny ran outside with a plastic container and filled it with ice. We stood in front of the old rickety fan and waited with eager anticipation.

And just like that, a kitchen crew once united through heated misery, returned to work slightly cooler than we were just moments ago.

A Short Story

There was this guy and his boss and let's just say they didn’t get along. One day this guy goes to Chipotle for lunch. The line was crazy. He groaned, looked at his watch, and tried to estimate how long he'd have to wait.  Just as he decided to join the line, someone shouted his name!

He scanned the endless crowd until he saw a familiar face at the front of the line. His boss! His boss winked and called out, "What took you so long? I've been waiting for you!" Didn't take long for this guy to realize what was going on ... He joined his boss, shook his hand, and apologized for his tardiness. "Traffic, you know?"

They conversed as they placed and paid for their respective orders and then parted ways. I know what you're thinking —they became good pals.

You’d be wrong. A week later, the guy was fired.

Still though, the guy appreciated his former boss' gesture in letting him escape the long line at Chipotle.

A month later, the guy was standing near the front of another long Chipotle line. A beautiful woman entered. She took in the line and looked at her watch—just as he had done a month ago! He knew she did not have time to wait. A second before she turned to exit, their eyes met.

"Hey," he called out. He waved and she looked at him. Who is that guy, she thought? He winked and said, "I've been waiting for you! What took you so long?" She smiled, walked over to the guy, threw her arms around him and apologized. "Traffic, you know?"

Holiday Rant

Trees, wreaths, lights and Merry Christmas this, Merry Christmas that. What about other religious celebrations? When I was young, I cared. Then I grew up (kinda') and lost interest. Next thing I know, it’s Happy Holidays PC BS.

In an effort to try to relate this to food, here's a restaurant tale that isn’t in my book. Bonus material! The Texas Café had decorated for the holidays. A tiny menorah sat on the bar virtually buried by Christmas lights, wreaths and a gigantic Christmas tree. 

A diner felt uncomfortable by the menorah and complained to Aaron, the bartender. The religious symbol bothered him and his son, who was like six years old and in the Hitler Youth.  

This diner wanted the menorah taken down because of its religious implications. Aaron pointed to the giant Christmas tree and said, “And what do you think that is?” “A tree,” the diner said. “What kind of tree?” “A Christmas tree.” “And,” Aaron asked, “What is the first part of that word? Christ, right? It’s a religious symbol, too. So sit the fuck down!” (I added that last line.) The customer grumbled, "No, it's a Holiday Tree." 

I don’t care that Chanukah receives some airtime. But it's lumped into Happy Holidays ads. I know it's cheaper for companies to run one ad throughout December rather than three separate ads for Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanzaa.

Still, a couple things bother me about the Happy Holiday ads:

1.     The timing. The ads come out right after Chanukah ends and run through Christmas— ignoring the timing of Chanukah and Kwanzaa. Run them all month for everyone or just run Christmas ads.

2.     The ads showcase Christmas lights, wreaths, candy canes, and Christmas trees —all Christmas symbols.  Then Santa walks in, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy Holidays!” We know what you’re dyin’ to say, so just say it: “Merry Christmas.”

  

The point is you can’t say "Happy Holidays" when your ad imagery focuses entirely on Christmas. This kills off the inclusion message. You don't have to put a Jewish guy dancing around with a menorah in your ads or an African in a dashiki. Just … say what the hell you mean to say. 

A kid making a snow angel in a yard with reindeer and a wreath on the front door and a snowman with a Santa hat does not say "Happy Holidays” no matter how many times your narrator speaks those two words.  

Chanukah was early this year. To be honest with you, I didn’t even know it started until Ellen DeGeneres said so (Yeah, I watch her show. What about it?). If you don’t know when another person's holiday is, you cannot, a day before Christmas, say Happy Holidays. If Christmas is tomorrow, just say Merry Christmas.