Observations

Monday, November 7, 2011

Making Lists


I make lists the old-fashioned way. On paper. I don’t have an iPhone, which means I don’t have Siri. I suppose I could use the memo pad on my not-as-fancy Smart Phone, but then I’d have to remind myself to check my reminder notes.

One of two things always ends up happening. I either forget the piece of paper at home or I forget that I have it on me until I get home and empty my pockets.

This makes going to the grocery store a hassle. The usual things—like time constraints, long lines, or annoying people who park in the center of the aisle and don't hear me say “Excuse me”—don’t bother me (as much) as always forgetting the one thing I absolutely needed just as I pull out of the parking lot.

Son of a bitch! Toilet Paper!

Monday, October 31, 2011

60 Minutes

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of comparisons to Andy Rooney.

I disagree. For starters, I don’t look like I’m in my 90's and Andy doesn’t look like he’s in his 20's. I rarely wear suits. But every time I see Andy Rooney, he's always wearing one. And my eyebrows are not the slightest bit bushy. 

We do put our elbows on the table, though.

I’m not saying similarities between the two of us don't exist. We both have noses. And eyes, too. And it just so happens that we both hear with our ears. So in that instance, we’re very much alike. We’re both men, too.

So for friends and family to say I remind them of Andy Rooney just boggles my mind. Unless, of course, the similarities they speak of have nothing to do with appearance. 




Monday, October 24, 2011

WALKING


Walking is great. I use my feet to take me places, like from my sofa to the bathroom. Or from my car to the subway. Sometimes, if it’s nice out, I’ll even park my car a little further from my destination.

But sometimes people walk incorrectly. Walking, like driving, takes great concentration. You shouldn’t text while you drive, but you also shouldn’t text while you walk. There are all sorts of distractions, from light poles to other pesky pedestrians to uneven sidewalks that can get in your way.

I wish Apple had a horn app that I could download so I could honk at people who linger after getting off the escalator, or slow down in the middle of the sidewalk instead of stepping to the side. Saying excuse me just doesn’t say hey you, get out of my way like a blasting horn. Although I guess saying, “Hey you, get out of my way” would work.

Monday, October 17, 2011

TRAPPED


I was trapped in an elevator once. I was going out for dinner with some family friends. We were starving. You know that scene in You’ve Got Mail (shut up, you know you’ve seen it) where Joe Fox (“F-O-X”) and his neighbors are stuck in the elevator and they’re doing that whole if I ever get outta’ here thing? That was us, except we were thinking about what we’d order ...

I’ve yet to be stuck in an elevator again. I don’t want to be stuck in an elevator … but if it happened, I would hope it’d be the time I was coming back with some delicious Chipotle or a burger from that burger place I like so much in New York City. That wouldn’t be so bad. Or with a deliveryman from a pizza place or a Chinese restaurant. They always put plastic forks in the bags, so we’d be good.

But there’s the possibility that the deliveryman has a 100% successful delivery rate and refuses to eat the food. I’d offer to pay for it, of course, but with a 100% successful delivery rate, I doubt that’d matter. Would I tip him? After all, I didn't actually place the order. I imagine that the family who ordered Chinese food or pizza would want us to eat their food if they knew we were stuck in an elevator possibly starving to death.

I just hope I never get stuck in an elevator when I have to pee, because deliverymen don’t carry empty water bottles.  

Sunday, October 9, 2011

New Name!


Yup, I changed the name. The old It’s a Miracle They Ain’t Dead Yet blog could only deliver so much. I don’t work in the restaurant industry anymore. Creating a new blog would be such a hassle—I’d have to notify all six subscribers.

It’s time to shake things up!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Damn, It's Hot in Here ...


From time to time, a random Texas Café memory will pop up that makes me think back to the good ol’ days. I recently found myself complaining to a neighbor about the June-like weather we experienced in April and how I desperately wished our building would turn on the A/C.
Suddenly, I recalled a sweltering night at the Texas Café and a burning hot kitchen's role in uniting an entire kitchen staff in absolute misery.  If you’ve read It’s a Miracle They Ain’t Dead Yet, you know the story about the broken kitchen air conditioner. (If you don’t, the book is six bucks on Kindle—make it happen.)
Luckily, on that particular hellish night, I wasn’t on the line, which meant I was about five degrees cooler than the line cooks. But our kitchen thermometer was hovering at 135; we were gulping water from giant plastic to-go cups every few minutes.
I had two towels on my apron that night. One for hot plates, the other to wipe away the sweat beads that accumulated on my forehead. Wait until August, said Max, one of the line cooks. I reached for my second towel.
There’s gotta be something we can do, I said as I instructed Nelson, the dishwasher, to hose my face down with the retractable faucet handle. The other cooks lined up and instructed Nelson to do the same to them. Temporary relief.
Manny, another line cook, suddenly threw his tongs down and hoisted his arms into the air. Eureka! The old kitchen fan served no purpose other than to re-circulate warm air. BUT! If he put a giant bucket of ice in front of the fan, perhaps the ice would melt, blowing cool air through the kitchen.
We watched with great anticipation as Manny ran outside with a plastic container and filled it with ice. We stood in front of the old rickety fan and waited with eager anticipation.
And just like that, a kitchen crew once united through heated misery, returned to work slightly cooler than we were just moments ago.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Short Story

There was this guy and his boss and let's just say they didn’t get along. One day this guy goes to Chipotle for lunch. The line was crazy. He groaned, looked at his watch, and tried to estimate how long he'd have to wait.  Just as he decided to join the line, someone shouted his name!

He scanned the endless crowd until he saw a familiar face at the front of the line. His boss! His boss winked and called out, "What took you so long? I've been waiting for you!" Didn't take long for this guy to realize what was going on ... He joined his boss, shook his hand, and apologized for his tardiness. "Traffic, you know?"

They conversed as they placed and paid for their respective orders and then parted ways. I know what you're thinking —they became good pals.
You’d be wrong. A week later, the guy was fired.

Still though, the guy appreciated his former boss' gesture in letting him escape the long line at Chipotle.

A month later, the guy was standing near the front of another long Chipotle line. A beautiful woman entered. She took in the line and looked at her watch—just as he had done a month ago! He knew she did not have time to wait. A second before she turned to exit, their eyes met.

"Hey," he called out. He waved and she looked at him. Who is that guy, she thought? He winked and said, "I've been waiting for you! What took you so long?" She smiled, walked over to the guy, threw her arms around him and apologized. "Traffic, you know?"