Monday, October 31, 2011

60 Minutes

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of comparisons to Andy Rooney.

I disagree. For starters, I don’t look like I’m in my 90's and Andy doesn’t look like he’s in his 20's. I rarely wear suits. But every time I see Andy Rooney, he's always wearing one. And my eyebrows are not the slightest bit bushy. 

We do put our elbows on the table, though.

I’m not saying similarities between the two of us don't exist. We both have noses. And eyes, too. And it just so happens that we both hear with our ears. So in that instance, we’re very much alike. We’re both men, too.

So for friends and family to say I remind them of Andy Rooney just boggles my mind. Unless, of course, the similarities they speak of have nothing to do with appearance. 

Monday, October 24, 2011


Walking is great. I use my feet to take me places, like from my sofa to the bathroom. Or from my car to the subway. Sometimes, if it’s nice out, I’ll even park my car a little further from my destination.

But sometimes people walk incorrectly. Walking, like driving, takes great concentration. You shouldn’t text while you drive, but you also shouldn’t text while you walk. There are all sorts of distractions, from light poles to other pesky pedestrians to uneven sidewalks that can get in your way.

I wish Apple had a horn app that I could download so I could honk at people who linger after getting off the escalator, or slow down in the middle of the sidewalk instead of stepping to the side. Saying excuse me just doesn’t say hey you, get out of my way like a blasting horn. Although I guess saying, “Hey you, get out of my way” would work.

Monday, October 17, 2011


I was trapped in an elevator once. I was going out for dinner with some family friends. We were starving. You know that scene in You’ve Got Mail (shut up, you know you’ve seen it) where Joe Fox (“F-O-X”) and his neighbors are stuck in the elevator and they’re doing that whole if I ever get outta’ here thing? That was us, except we were thinking about what we’d order ...

I’ve yet to be stuck in an elevator again. I don’t want to be stuck in an elevator … but if it happened, I would hope it’d be the time I was coming back with some delicious Chipotle or a burger from that burger place I like so much in New York City. That wouldn’t be so bad. Or with a deliveryman from a pizza place or a Chinese restaurant. They always put plastic forks in the bags, so we’d be good.

But there’s the possibility that the deliveryman has a 100% successful delivery rate and refuses to eat the food. I’d offer to pay for it, of course, but with a 100% successful delivery rate, I doubt that’d matter. Would I tip him? After all, I didn't actually place the order. I imagine that the family who ordered Chinese food or pizza would want us to eat their food if they knew we were stuck in an elevator possibly starving to death.

I just hope I never get stuck in an elevator when I have to pee, because deliverymen don’t carry empty water bottles.  

Sunday, October 9, 2011

New Name!

Yup, I changed the name. The old It’s a Miracle They Ain’t Dead Yet blog could only deliver so much. I don’t work in the restaurant industry anymore. Creating a new blog would be such a hassle—I’d have to notify all six subscribers.

It’s time to shake things up!