Tuesday, November 29, 2011

CM PUNK vs. CHRIS JERICHO: WRESTLEMANIA 28 (with a surprise ending)

If you know me, you know that I've been a fan of the WWE since I was three years old. If you don't know me ... now you know. I like to create fantasy bookings that I, as a fan and part of the WWE Universe, would like to see. The following is a booking I think most fans would enjoy. If so, spread the word. Tag @IAmJericho, @steveaustinBSR, @WWE, @CMPunk, @R_Roddy_Piper on Twitter. Send them this link. Tell them to read this. Let's make this happen!


Chris Jericho returns as a rock star heel. Everyone is beneath him. He's back for the money. And he's making a helluva lot more than anyone in the WWE Universe will eeee-eeeeever see! He's also returned because, while he was touring the world with Fozzy, CM Punk was stealing the 'Best in the World' moniker that describes only one wrestler: Chris Jericho.


Punk and Jericho feud over who deserves to be labeled the Best in the World. 

What unfolds is basically the WWE's version of Annie Get Your Gun: Anything you can do, I can do better.  One-upmanship ensues. They compete in a series of exhibition matches, stealing all the local shows. Both men are excellent. But who is the BEST? 

CM Punk says he's sick and tired of Chris Jericho coming back to soak up some limelight just because his career on Dancing with the Stars fizzled and his Fozzy tour ended. Jericho never does anything for the fans. Punk says Jericho left because he couldn't handle the pressure of not being the best, failed at his other endeavors; now walks in like he's hot shit.

Jericho says he's the Best in the World and is entitled to do whatever he wants. He shouldn't be ridiculed by Punk! Not only is Jericho the best wrestler, but he's a helluva dancer and one bad ass rock star. Punk drops a pipebomb saying if Jericho was the best, why'd he fail on Dancing with the Stars? Why hasn't Fozzy ever hit #1 on the Billboards? Why is Jericho crawling back to the WWE like a sniveling, snotty, desperate six year old? The WWE is the only place that wants Jericho! 

Rowdy Roddy Piper interjects himself into the argument with one helluva idea: Wrestle at Wrestlemania 28 and put something on the line, like say ... the moniker for Best in the World!

Best in the World vs. Best in the World

A week before WM28, Jericho hosts a highlight reel. His guest is CM Punk. Jericho says there is a small category of Absolute BEST wrestlers. Shawn Michaels. Bret Hart. Steve Austin. Chris Jericho. Punk doesn't come close to anyone on that list.

Punk says comparisons like that aren't fair because everyone but Jericho has retired. But all that matters is that Number One Spot. And if Jericho thinks he's at the top, then once Punk wins at Mania, he'll be at the top!


CM Punk vs. Jericho steals the show. They wrestle a 30 minute match, nailing home the fact that they are the two top guys world-wide. CM Punk wins, officially becoming the Best in the World. 


A highlight clip plays, including the promo where Jericho mentioned HBK, Hart, Austin, and himself. Punk: "If that's how you wanna play things, then that means once I win at Mania, I'll be at the top." 

CM Punk comes to the ring to celebrate his victory. He cuts a nice little promo until ...

Everyone is stunned! CM Punk cannot believe what's happening! Austin congratulates Punk on his victory. He admits that Jericho was one of his toughest opponents.

"It's a helluva accomplishment, beating Jericho at 'Mania. There's just one thing. When Jericho rattled off his list of "The Best," you said it wasn't a fair comparison since they were all retired. UH-UH! See that ain't quite true, son. Texas Rattlesnake's got him one more match in his tank and it goes like this. Stone Cold Steve Austin. CM Punk. Wrestlemania 29. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!"

Austin asks Punk if he wants a beer. Punk says he doesn't drink. Austin looks at him and says, "What?" Punk tries to explain, but Austin holds up his hands like he can't be bothered. 


Monday, November 28, 2011

Can We Afford to Eat There?

I walked through Times Square, the must-see destination for tourists in what is arguably the Greatest City in the World—a nucleus of hotels, entertainment, food, and street shows. But, sadly, I noticed that the streets of Destination Numero Uno are lined with chain restaurants—the same ones that populate every suburban shopping complex in the U.S. of A. After site seeing in a bustling new world the likes of which, perhaps, you’ve never seen, it’s perfectly understandable to seek something familiar and comforting for dinner. 

Alternatives exist that are cheaper than one might expect. Get a bagel with lox, pretzel with mustard, and real New York City pizza. I know you’ve had Hebrew National hot dogs before, but there’s nothing like Central Park on a blustery winter day—chowing down a hot dog. 

It dismays me to think that tourists might forgo the culinary wonders Manhattan has to offer. Budget your trip expenses to permit one dining splurge. Many restaurants offer a true taste of extravagance. Not even Gordon Ramsay can afford to eat at Gordon Ramsay at the London. But you can find upscale restaurants that offer less expensive bar alternatives, like Maze by Gordon Ramsay.

Food is a crucial motivator for travel. Different countries/cultures boast unique, amazing food. So do American states.  

Maybe it’s just my inner food snob speaking, but, while on vacation, everyone should experience one-out-of-this-world meal. It’s a damn shame to travel to the Greatest City in the World only to end up at TGI Friday's.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Wrong Number

No one really dials a number anymore. Either you take advantage of speed dial or you comb through your phone book and select the friend you wish to call.

With all the advances in technology that makes many things, like placing a phone call, so effortless (who remembers phone numbers?), one should take extra precaution when physically dialing a number … especially at five a.m.

I can imagine a few scenarios where one would need to call someone at such an hour. A death in the family, husband or child didn’t come home—all stressful occurrences, which might lead one to dial in a panic.

But, please pay attention, because I don’t know you, “Hamilton, Geoff” from (614). And I’m sleeping. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

If I End Up in the Hospital, You Know Why ...

Call me a food snob. I’ve dined at some of the best restaurants in Manhattan. I recall every detail of every meal. My two best? Gordon Ramsay at the London and Bouley.

So when I walked into McDonald’s with the intention of ordering a McRib (at the behest of a friend), I wanted to keep a low profile. Because: I work out six days a week and I eat vegetables! Then again, the company I keep is also pretty healthy. So if I ran into someone I knew at McDonald’s, I’m sure they’d feel just as busted. But, since one of the 70 ingredients in the McRib is a product used to make yoga mats, that makes the McRib a quasi-health food, right?

Fearful that other customers would judge me, I planned to whisper my order. I imagined adjacent customers would say, Is this dude really ordering a McRib? Gross. I successfully placed my order with the cashier who appeared to be the only one listening to me. ExcellentHe’d hand me my food, I’d run to my car, take several bites, toss the evidence, go home and take a cold shower.

I found myself wondering if I should order a back up meal. Yeah, I like foie gras. But I also like a double quarter pounder with cheese. To be a proper food snob, you can’t thumb your nose (snout?) at lesser foods. We should find something enjoyable in every meal.

An employee appeared with a to-go bag presumably for me. I hurried to grab my food, but before I extended my hand, her voice rang out. McRib, to go!

Damn. Everyone was looking at me. I thanked her, snatched the bag, and ran to the safety of my car.

If you ask any non-food snob if he’d willingly eat the lesser-known parts of a pig—heart, snout, maybe even some skin— he’d probably say no. But people eat these processed pieces of meat every day when they eat fast food or a Slim Jim.  So in some weird way, they’re food snobs too, eating unique and odd food combinations that other people might snort at as being too pretentious.

I ate my McRib in the parking lot, half regretting not ordering fries, a milkshake, and a double quarter-pounder. During my drive home my teeth started to hurt. Not one tooth—all of them.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Making Lists

I make lists the old-fashioned way. On paper. I don’t have an iPhone, which means I don’t have Siri. I suppose I could use the memo pad on my not-as-fancy Smart Phone, but then I’d have to remind myself to check my reminder notes.

One of two things always ends up happening. I either forget the piece of paper at home or I forget that I have it on me until I get home and empty my pockets.

This makes going to the grocery store a hassle. The usual things—like time constraints, long lines, or annoying people who park in the center of the aisle and don't hear me say “Excuse me”—don’t bother me (as much) as always forgetting the one thing I absolutely needed just as I pull out of the parking lot.

Son of a bitch! Toilet Paper!